One of my biggest pet peeves is asking my kids a question and hearing something along the lines of, “It wasn’t my fault!” As a parent, you may hear this statement blurted or exclaimed when you’re just asking an innocent question to gather information and figure out what’s going on. Or, the skirting of responsibility can come out during a more intense conversation where friends, teachers, and even you start to magically take blame for your child’s action or inaction (AKA: “My teacher never told me so it’s his fault!” or “Look what you made me do, now I’m crying!”). If seeing or hearing your child blame others and sidestep any accountability for a situation is a huge trigger for you, you’re not alone! And, it’s natural to be concerned. For starters, until your child acknowledges some degree of personal involvement in a situation, there’s no reason for him or her to participate in finding a solution. In order to help your child turn mistakes into invaluable life lessons, they have to see the situation more clearly and accurately. Thinking bigger-picture though, watching your child point fingers and look everywhere but in the mirror does not bode well for being able to succeed in the real world where it’s necessary to take ownership of missteps on a daily basis. If you’re ready to stop the blame game, here are five strategies that will help your child learn to take accountability: Praise Effort, Not Outcome. When your child feels pressure (often self-imposed) to get an A, score a goal, or be the best, there’s a tendency to look for outside reasons to account for disappointments, which often involve blaming someone or something. Focusing on your child’s effort, hard work, perseverance, and dedication sends the message that you value those traits and that you don’t necessarily need a reason (especially a blaming one) when things fall short. Under-react when your child owns his or her mistakes. Let’s be honest—it’s hard to hold back your reaction if and when your child shares an error in judgment or admits to being unwise. In order to encourage accountability, hold back when you want to jump in and offer and opinion or solution. Instead, listen with just a few head nods. This will prevent you from coming across as being judgmental and set the stage for your child to share in the future without fear of your response. For more tips on the Art of Listening, check out Chapter 1 of "Parenting in the Real World" HERE. Validate your child’s ability to take ownership—even if you don’t agree with their choices. When you do hear your child take ownership, even a small amount, try responding in a way that lets your son or daughter know you value their insight and appreciate them taking accountability. It can be a heartfelt smile or direct feedback along the lines of, “I know it’s hard to talk about things that didn’t go the way you wanted, I’m proud of you for sharing.” You can do this even if you don’t agree with what your child did (think, I’m happy you’re owning up to the fact that you copied your friend’s homework because you didn’t spend time on it the night before even though I totally disagree with that behavior). Own your mistakes. The most powerful and effective way to teach your child to take responsibility is to model that same behavior yourself. You’re always in the spotlight as a parent and each time you’re able to take ownership of a mistake or acknowledge that you could have handled a situation in a better way, you show your child the value of taking accountability. Avoid playing the blame game yourself. Take things a step further by trying to avoid pointing fingers and blaming others so your child does not copy those behaviors. This means biting your tongue instead of letting an, “It’s your fault we’re late!” slip out during the morning rush and quickly giving yourself a do-over if you do wind up making a blaming statement.
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When one of my kids utters the two words, "I'm bored," some part of me immediately generates a mental list of 23 things they could be doing while simultaneously wishing that I too had an opportunity to be bored. If you have a similar knee-jerk reaction to hearing your child complain they have nothing to do, you know that falling into the trap of trying to redirect or motivate a "bored" child or teen almost always backfires. Best case scenario, you offer a solution that's accepted and everyone moves happily along (full disclosure, this is far from the norm in my house). Typically, you try to help by suggesting anti-boredom activities and then you or your child (or both of you) grow increasingly frustrated until someone walks away in a huff. Worst case scenario, a full-blown conflict breaks out and then your child is too busy arguing with you to be bored anymore—not the kind of "win" you were hoping for! The truth is that boredom is a great thing for kids to experience, and the way you respond to your child’s proclamations of boredom can help sidestep unnecessary drama. Here are 5 things to keep in mind next time your child complains they have absolutely nothing to do: 1. Accept that your child will be bored. Surrendering to the fact that your child, whether a toddler or a teen, will be bored helps you parent more rationally in these moments. When you set the precedent that it's okay for your child to be bored, hearing your son or daughter express that sentiment won't feel like a problem that you need to solve. He or she may be upset or distressed about the lack of entertainment, but you won’t jump on that emotional roller-coaster. 2. Know that it's important to let your child to be bored. Being bored is not an unhealthy experience. In fact, it's a fantastic opportunity for your child to hear his or her own thoughts without distraction. Plus, boredom leads to creativity and reflection. The digital world constantly bombards your child with information and stimulation, and opportunities to sit in uninterrupted thought should be embraced (even if it's uncomfortable for your child at first). Let’s face it—being bored is a part of life that everyone has to cope with and allowing your child to experience boredom is great practice for the real world. 3. Fight the urge to rescue your child from boredom. Don't fall into the trap of offering information that wasn't requested because it's the best way to find yourself in a conflict that you had no intention of being in. If you want to try and coach your child through the experience of boredom, ask, "Do you want to hear my suggestions?" or, "Do you want to know what I do when I'm bored?" If the response is no, you move on. If the response is yes, check out tip #4 below. 4. Give smart suggestions. What are smart suggestions to help your bored child? Well, the pragmatic part of me wants to say you can list off six chores and five productive activities that are all well within reach. But, because there has to be a but, that's the same as rescuing your child from boredom. Instead, you can encourage your child to daydream, use their imagination, or just sit until they come up with something they want to be doing. You’ll be normalizing your child’s experience of being bored and by avoiding the practical suggestions your child expects to hear (think, “Clean your room,” or, “Read a book”), your response will really hit home. 5. Be honest. We've established that being bored is a not such a bad thing, so next time your child talks about being bored you can honestly say that you think it's fine. Better yet, you can share that you think it's great to be bored. You'll probably get some serious eye-rolls and maybe even some earnest persuasions as to why being bored is not so great from your child’s perspective, but in the end your commentary will shape your child's expectations. In the end, if you can help your son or daughter move towards accepting the experience of boredom instead of dreading it, your work is done (at least for the moment).
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If you are a parent, you need to know about the Dark Web—and you need to buckle-up, because it’s a horrifying ride.
I first heard about the Dark Web from clients—rarely from kids who were on it, but from kids whose friends were talking about it or who were curious after hearing sensational stories about what happens there. I decided to do my research because I want to keep my kids safe and I want you to be able to keep your kids safe. What I discovered was terrifying beyond my wildest nightmares. My reactions included fear of the dangers that were lurking well within the reach of my child and millions of other kids all over the world, astonishment that the Dark Web is real and that I knew nothing about it, and a sense of urgency to gather information and make a safety plan for my kids. Here are 11 quick facts to bring you up to speed on the Dark Web:
There’s much more that I discovered, and it was too much for a blog post so I created an eBook that includes a Dark Web Parenting Plan. You'll know exactly what to look for and how to talk to your child about the dangers of the Dark Web.
This is a scary topic, but my goal is to empower you so you can empower your child. Shrugging off these potential dangers or remaining stuck in fear won’t keep your child safe, but being aware and informed will.
I am on a mission to get this eBook into the hands of as many parents as possible during the month of April. I’m giving it away for free, and while calling it a “gift” sounds contradictory because it’s such a dark topic—the ability to keep your child safe is truly the best gift in the world. Please share this post with other parents so we can start a movement to protect all children with information and awareness. Together we can create a parenting community that is stronger than the lure of the Dark Web. Our children are counting on us! JOIN Dr. Stephanie on FB LIVE TUESDAYS @ 7:00pm (ET) CLICK the link. LIKE the page. Ask questions LIVE to get parenting answers that work in the real world. |
Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.
Sharing practical strategies that help parents rediscover joy in their children (even when someone's crying, the phone is ringing, and it smells like the house may be burning down) Archives
October 2017
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