I don't like that shirt anymore (even thought it was yesterday's favorite or the tags are still on and it was a "must have" two days ago). I don't want that pasta anymore (even though it was requested 20-minutes ago and has just been freshly plated). I'm not interested in playing that game/sport/instrument I loved a week ago. I changed my mind! Sound familiar? I thought so...because kids come equipped with big personalities and a mind of their own, which is apt to change quite frequently as soon as they're old enough to voice an opinion. So, how can you respond to your child's ever changing preferences without losing your cool or being a push-over? Try this 3-step approach to minimize conflict while simultaneously teaching your child important life lessons about accountability. 1. Keep your emotions in check. Trust me, I know how maddening it can be to have put time, effort, or money toward your child's desires only to have the tables turn and feel like all was for nothing. It's hard not to take it personally, especially if you're spread thin or if you've gone far out of your way to accommodate your son or daughter. That said, reacting with anger or frustration will guarantee conflict that only saps more of your resources. So, take a breath (or five), take note of your feelings, and wait until you're able to respond in a neutral tone before starting to engage with your child. 2. Validate your child's point of view (even if it's completely mind boggling). Your child just blind-sided you with a swift change in preference or perspective. In most cases you will have no idea what changed. I'm asking you to go out on a limb and validate your child by saying that you understand where he or she is coming from. I know, it sounds crazy. You may feel like you're crazy doing it, but without this step it will be hard to find common ground and come to a consensus on how to move forward. When in doubt, keep your validating statement generic: "You don't want this anymore" or "You don't like it" or "You changed your mind." You're just stating the obvious, without any snark or sarcasm. This is the proverbial olive branch you offer to show that you're willing to partner in a solution. You may even gain insight if your child shares why he or she is having a change of heart (and it may have nothing to do with the situation at hand...thus saving you an evening of arguing over meatballs when it's really about friendship or an illness that's brewing). 3. Set a limit by offering a choice. One of the objectives here is to make sure you don't become a pushover. Why? Because you don't have time for that. Plus, feeding into your child's every whim robs him or her of opportunities to practice being accountable. So, after you've calmly provided some validation, you set a limit by offering a choice. As a parent, you decide exactly what your limits are. If it's a meal you can say, "I made you one thing, if you don't want it you're free to make yourself something else," or, "You asked for this but after you eat all/half you can make yourself something else." If it's a camp or activity that was agreed upon, but now that it's arrived you're getting major push-back you can say, "I know it's hard, you need to try it for the first day." Let's be honest, you don't want to force your child into anything, but you also don't want them to get used to avoiding things simply because they're not interested anymore. Setting a limit by offering a choice allows you to be sensitive while still holding your child accountable for his or her choice. JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for weekly Parenting Q&A sessions. CLICK HERE, LIKE the page... Get parenting tips that work in the real world!
1 Comment
Are you ever frustrated because you have to repeat yourself dozens of times to get your child or teen to do something simple? Would your life be much easier if your kids would listen the first time, and possibly even follow through? Welcome to parenthood! But, don't despair. There are some simple tweaks you can make that will help your kids open their ears, hear what you're saying, and respond respectfully. Here's your Plan: 1. Decide exactly what you want your child to do. Under normal circumstance, this step may be easy. Requests like pick up your shoes, get in the car, and put your iPad down come to mind. But, if you're frustrated or overwhelmed, it may be harder to pinpoint your goal. Think walking into a huge and unexpected mess or realizing that you're entire family is late for an important event and you need action. Being crystal clear in your own mind about what you want your child to do sets the stage for success. 2. Be brief and direct. Instead of shouting your child's name repeatedly or making general statements like, "Please just listen!" send clear, concise messages. You don't have to bark like a drill sergeant, but keeping your request short and sweet helps. All those extraneous words and explanations can distract your child from the most important detail: What they need to be doing. 3. Add a time-frame for motivation. Has your child ever said something along the lines of, "I'll do it in a minute," and then not follow through? Well, you're not alone. It's temping to put off a task, especially one that's not fun or exciting, and if there's never a consequence kids and teens can fall into the habit of procrastinating and dismissing what you're asking. To avoid this, put a time-frame on your request so your child knows he or she is expected to follow through in five minutes, before dinner, or before he or she is able to get on their phone again. 4. Follow through. You're always in the spotlight as a parent and your kids are watching your every move, even when it seems as if they're actively ignoring you. So, the more consistent you are in following through with the plan you laid out, the more consistent your child or teen will be at following through on their end of the bargain. This means if you say your child has to put away his clothes before using his iPad, you have to be willing to hold the iPad until you're sure the task is completed. 5. Know that it's okay for your child to be temporarily upset. If you're stepping up your parenting game and expecting a bit more follow through from your child, it's only natural for there to be growing pains. Anticipating that your child may be temporarily upset or frustrated will help you remain calm and confident. Keep in mind that your child's momentary distress is fleeting, and it's for a good cause since the long-term goal of improving listening and respect is an invaluable life skill. JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for weekly Parenting Q&A sessions. CLICK HERE, LIKE the page... Get parenting tips that work in the real world! Part of the parental job description, at least during the early years, is "expert book reader." Once your child is in elementary school, you have probably logged hundreds of hours turning pages, using silly voices, and reading "just one more" story. If you're anything like me, you have your favorites and your not-so-favorites. I love to tackle a nice page of Dr. Seuss and practice my rhyming and alliteration skills, and I could do without ever stumbling through the pronunciation of obscure dinosaur names in my son's three-inch thick encyclopedia ever again. Beyond having a favorite, the children's book Zen Shorts by Jon J. Muth is a story that I hold near and dear to my heart as a parent. I remember reading it to my son for the first time and being struck by the beautiful pictures and simple, peaceful language. But as the story unfolded, I quickly realized that this was much more than a set of pretty pages donned by an adorable panda. Muth's story includes three simple but powerful life lessons that can help you navigate common parenting traps while helping your child build healthy coping skills. If your kids still sit and listen while you read, dust this book off and add it to the top of your pile. If your kids are older, maybe in middle school, see if they'll tolerate a read along with you. If you have a teen, especially one who is about to launch to college, hit the bookstore and pick up a copy ASAP. For a preview, here are the life lessons of Zen Shorts, in a far less poetic fashion than you'll find in Muth's book, along with how they relate to your parenting experiences: 1. You don't need so much stuff in order to be happy. People and circumstances can result in you losing physical things, so if you're dependent on them for happiness, it's going to be a tough, long haul through life. This lesson is great to reflect on when you're being asked to buy another fidget spinner, pair of designer sneakers, or updated smartphone. It often helps me keep my sanity and gives me the confidence to say no despite the temporary upset that might ensue. 2. Luck is overrated. Instead of waiting for luck to set in and for the world to provide things according to your plan, it makes more sense to try and accept things that are not within your control. This prevents you from wasting time and energy on worry and over-thinking. If your child or teen is ever stuck in a negative mindset and feels that the world (or your family) is out to get him or her, this lesson takes center-stage. Helping your child shift perspective and accept that "good" and "bad" are relative terms makes it easier to tolerate the inevitable growing pains of childhood and adolescence. Spoiler alert, #3 is my absolute favorite! 3. He who holds the longest grudge loses. Muth artfully demonstrates how holding onto even small bits of anger and resentment chip away at the goodness that exists. How many times have you wanted your child to just get over it? Whatever it is, the art of feeling and acknowledging anger and then moving on takes practice and requires a good deal of parental coaching and patience. This story is one of the best references I've ever come across for teaching the importance of letting go, and I can safely say that I've benefited from it just as much as my kids have. Final thoughts: If I were creating a reading list for all ages, this book would definitely make my top three. I have a copy perched on the table in my office and it's worth reading yourself even if you think your kids won't be interested. Trust me, if you declare that it's yours and they can't have it, it will instantly be the hottest commodity in your house! JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for weekly Parenting Q&A sessions. CLICK HERE, LIKE the page... Get parenting tips that work in the real world! |
Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.
Sharing practical strategies that help parents rediscover joy in their children (even when someone's crying, the phone is ringing, and it smells like the house may be burning down) Archives
October 2017
Categories |