Mother’s day is here again and this past week I’ve heard friends and family members express mixed emotions about this holiday. Maybe you’re excited to spend uninterrupted time with your kids and family. Maybe you’re fantasizing about some time alone to escape and recharge. Or maybe you’re overwhelmed with feelings of grief and loss based on your relationship with your mother, your children, or your experiences when it comes to motherhood. All of this got me to thinking about the myths we create around Mother’s Day that often lead to frustration and get in the way of whatever joy is available to feel. The idea that this one day in May is “supposed” to happen a certain way, convey a certain sentiment, or represent something grander than the other 364 days on the calendar can backfire and set you up for disappointment. So, in an attempt to help set you up for the best Mother’s Day possible, here are the top four myths—debunked, for your Mother’s Day pleasure. MYTH #1: Mother's Day is all about spending quality time with your kids. This is only true if you want it to be true. And, if you don’t—if you’re tired, depleted, or simply longing for a moment to gather your thoughts without being needed—that’s perfectly fine. There is no right way to spend your waking hours on Mother’s Day and if you want to do something special with your kids and family, make it happen. If you want to lock yourself in the bathroom and climb into the tub for two hours while your kids are otherwise occupied, that’s great too! MYTH #2: Mother's Day is all about honoring your mother. All mothers are also daughters. If you're fortunate enough to have a healthy relationship with your mom you probably want to do something to honor her, or her memory. That said, it’s okay to set boundaries on Mother’s Day, especially if you don’t have an ideal mother-daughter relationship. So, if making plans with or for your mother causes you stress and makes you wish Mother’s Day didn’t exist, stop and give yourself permission to pull back and find a more comfortable, healthy way to celebrate. MYTH #3: Mother's Day means you get a day "off." So, anyone who is a mom knows this simply is not true. There is no such thing as a day off. Even if you manage to escape to the spa for the entire weekend, you’re still on call when someone needs to find their favorite stuffed animal they can’t sleep without, the sweatshirt they need to wear to the game, or the box of cereal that’s probably right on the pantry shelf. Mother’s Day does not exempt moms from dealing with tantrums, acting as referee, or playing nurse to a sick child. FYI, stomach viruses don’t follow the Hallmark calendar. MYTH #4: Mother’s day is magical and full of happiness and gratitude. I’m not saying your Mother’s Day can’t be a page out of a fairy tale, but in the real world, Mother’s Day is actually just another Sunday in May. Is it nice to get a little extra appreciation or acknowledgement or whatever makes you happy? Sure, but if you really want it, or anything else for Mother’s Day, please ask for it. There’s no playbook that kids, husbands, and partners receive, and even if you are loved, respected, and appreciated, no one can read your mind. Give yourself permission to create your own happiness, whatever that means for you on Mother’s Day. JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for a weekly Parenting Q&A
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As a parent, you want your child to be happy. I understand that completely because when my kids are happy, things tend to go smoothly at home. That being said, the world is full of frustrations and disappointments, and kids are not immune to experiencing negative emotions. The reality is that your child can’t be happy all of the time. You’re not going to throw the stress of taxes and job cuts at your child or try to upset him or her on purpose, but you will have to say no to things that are of paramount importance to your kids. Babies and toddlers hear, “No” so frequently it’s usually one of the first words they parrot back, and as kids grow up the list of limits and boundaries evolves, but definitely doesn’t disappear. So, your child has to face situations that are not going to make him or her happy, and many times you are the one who has to deliver the very news that could result in anger, sadness, or some other negative feeling. Fortunately, you’re also the person your child turns to for support when the world has dished out a whopper of a disappointment. I’m writing this to inform you of a trap that most parents, myself included, tend to fall into during these pivotal parenting moments: Sugarcoating. Sugarcoating is the act of trying to avoid, deny, or wrap up a potentially upsetting message in words and gestures that somehow make it seem less upsetting than it actually is. Here are some examples: Your daughter was planning to watch a certain movie and you find out it’s not available so instead of being honest, you spend time trying to convince her she doesn’t really want to see the movie while offering other attractive options. Your son didn’t get the role he wanted in the school play and you respond by talking about how great he is, saying that the directors totally messed up by not picking him, and possibly taking a dig at the child who got the role. Your child comes to you with concerns about a serious topic (war, death, illness, etc.) and you say, “That will never happen to you/us,” or “You don’t need to worry about that,” and move on to a happy topic. The problem with sugarcoating is that you think you’re doing it to help your child—to protect him or her from despair and heartache—but you’re really doing it to protect yourself from seeing your child struggle and suffer. And, sugarcoating backfires in the long run because “protecting” your child from negative emotions prevents him or her from developing the coping skills necessary to thrive in a world that offers ample trials and tribulations. So, how do you avoid the trap of sugarcoating? Three simple steps:
Using these steps, here’s how you may respond to the examples above without sugarcoating: Your daughter was planning to watch a certain movie and you find out it’s not available so you say: The movie you wanted is sold out, what a bummer! You can pick another one or we can try to go next weekend. Your son didn’t get the role he wanted in the school play and you respond by saying: That’s so disappointing babe, it feels bad not to be chosen. Your child comes to you with concerns about a serious topic (war, death, illness, etc.) and you say: That’s a pretty big thing to be thinking about. I’ll answer your questions because it’s important to talk about things that are hard. In the end, accepting that there is value in your child’s temporary struggle and discomfort is probably the most important thing to keep in mind. Knowing that the upset you see in the here-and-now paves the way for strong coping abilities and life-long resilience will give you the courage to be honest and direct and, most importantly, avoid the sticky sweet sugarcoating trap. JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for a weekly Parenting Q&A
TUESDAYS @ 7:00pm (ET) CLICK the link. LIKE the page. Get parenting tips that work in the real world! “Screen-Free Week” is upon us. From Monday, May 1st through Sunday, May 7th, the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood is encouraging families worldwide to unplug from screens in order to connect with each other. Personally, I think it’s a fantastic idea to reduce the time kids and teens spend in front of screens. I’m not debating that. I have to be honest though, most parents find the idea of unplugging for a full week overwhelming or even terrifying! And that’s okay. Why? Because our culture involves a lot of screen time and kids are not left out of this trend. Screens are used for entertainment, education, social interaction, creative endeavors, and childcare—as in, please watch this episode or play this game for 15-minutes so I can go to the bathroom, possibly shower, and potentially have a few seconds of quiet. When screens are such an integral part of your child’s daily life, how could you not be a little panicked at the idea of tossing them altogether, right? Right! So, here are five ways to ease your child into Screen-Free Week while maintaining your sanity: Remember that screen time for work or school is okay. Let’s get real. If your child has academic assignments that require a screen or if you are required to access screens for your livelihood, it’s not practical to unplug and let those responsibilities fall to the wayside. Thankfully, this gray area is acknowledged even during Screen-Free Week so you don’t have to stress about it. Just be mindful of how easy it is for you and your child to find your way to social media or start window-shopping online while taking a break from your “work.” You can try to offer fun screen-free alternatives, but at some point you’ll probably just have to say no to your child. Campaign for a Commercial Free America provides tons of suggestions on how you can occupy your child or teen without screens. Some of them sound super fun. I would love to go to the zoo or bake cookies, and if and when that’s possible, those are great ideas. You can try to make Screen-Free Week fun, but at some point you will have to set a limit and say no. Accepting this is an important part of building the courage to reduce screen time in your home. For more tips on setting limits without drama check out Chapter 4 of “Parenting in the Real World." Maybe cold turkey isn’t for you and your family. If this is the case, don’t abandon Screen-Free Week altogether. Try to shave off a third of the time your child or teen spends in front of their screens or devices. If your child is on Snapchat, challenge him or her to break a streak (an emoji driven designation given when two people have snapped each other for more than two days in a row). If your child is using a screen during bedtime or before school, use this week to set a limit around access to screens at those times. These small steps are important and may wind up having a lasting impact so don’t downplay their power just because you’re not buying into Screen-Free Week hook-line-and-sinker. Lead by example. Even if you don’t have the energy to implement an entirely Screen-Free Week for your child and family, start with yourself. See if you are up for the challenge of detoxing from social media and screen-based entertainment for seven days. If you are, talk about your experience with your child and family. You may be surprised at the outcome and the extra time you find on your hands. In the long run, this week-long exercise may provide the inspiration you need to gear up for a reduction in everyone’s screen-time in your household even after Screen-Free Week has officially passed.
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Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.
Sharing practical strategies that help parents rediscover joy in their children (even when someone's crying, the phone is ringing, and it smells like the house may be burning down) Archives
October 2017
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