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Is It Ever OK to scare your child?

10/30/2016

In the interest of full self-disclosure, let me start by saying that I don’t like being scared. I’m not a fan of horror films and haunted houses have never been my thing. But, as a parent there are times when I’m absolutely A-Okay seeing my child experience fear. To take it a step further, I understand that it’s sometimes my responsibility to be the one who scares my child. Not everyday, and not for my own twisted enjoyment, but to teach important lessons and ensure safety. It may sound crazy, but there are two very specific times when it’s perfectly fine—important even—to thoughtfully scare your child.

#1: If your child is rapidly approaching danger.

Every parent with a child who is mobile has undoubtedly experienced this. A toddler about to pull something heaving onto their head, a kid running blindly into a busy parking lot, or a teenager about to back out the driveway into oncoming traffic. In these situations, the best way to get your child to stop in their tracks is to capitalize on the startle response. That’s right; to scare them by using the biggest most serious voice you can conjure. That yell or shout you deliver when there’s no time to run interference or have a rational conversation is the equivalent of scaring your child on purpose to keep them safe. A few quick tips here:

While using your serious, scary voice, choose action words like, “Stop,” “Watch Out,” or “Don’t Touch.” This takes the guesswork out and will immediately tell your child what to do.

Don’t say your child’s name unless you simply what your child’s attention. Trust me, the tone of your voice will make sure your son or daughter knows you are speaking to them.

Clean up afterwards. Young children may be tearful and visibly frightened which is hard to see but it’s okay because whatever they were headed toward was probably a heck of a lot scarier than hearing you yell.

Don’t apologize, but explain saying, “I know that was scary.” Then, explain what they should do different next time.

#2: When your child is about to experience a real-life consequence that isn’t life threatening.

When kids are charging head-on toward danger it’s easy to understand how fear can be a teaching tool (and a life saver!). Things can get a bit sticker if there’s no immediate threat, but still a lesson to be learned. For example, your son is happily playing at the park but is so interested in the game of tag he’s playing that he wanders away from you and when the kids scatter he realizes he’s “lost.” Your daughter calls you from the principal's office because someone circulated a screen shot of something she texted that was not very kind. Or, your teenager made a bad call and used a fake ID to get into an 18+ club and got caught by security. In all of these situations, the child made a decision and is experiencing the natural consequences of that decision hopefully accompanied by a healthy dose of fear. As a parent, it’s important to resist the urge to rescue and allow your child to be scared before you step in and offer support and guidance. Some things to consider here:

Check in with your own level of fear and anxiety and focus on the fact that your child is physically okay.

Pause before responding to make sure your emotions aren’t taking over. This allows your child’s fear to make the strongest impression. You want them to remember being scared, not you being hysterical.

Once you’ve given your child an opportunity be scared, step in and be a mirror. Instead of scolding your child for wandering off or making an irresponsible choice, calmly ask what happened.

Offer support without providing an escape from real world consequences. After the fear has come and gone, focus on helping your child take responsibility make a plan for what to do differently in the future.

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Kids & Screen Time: The rules just changed!

10/24/2016

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In case you didn’t have enough to keep up with while raising your kids, the rules have changed when it comes to kids and screen time. Just last week the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) met to update guidelines for 2017 giving parents new information on how to manage the amount of time kids spend in front of screens.

Before we get too far, I want to include a little disclaimer: These are guidelines.
As a parent, you can do your best to follow them knowing that they are easier to create than they are to carry out on a daily basis. When kids are sick, when you’re sick, when you’re trying to get your child to sit still for a doctor's visit, or when you’re counting the minutes until your four-hour flight lands, well-chosen movies, games, and Apps can be a lifesaver. Let’s not throw that baby out with the bathwater while trying to make sure screen time doesn’t get out of hand.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, here are the most important take-away messages as well as some helpful tips on using the well-researched advice of doctors in the real world—where you and I both live.

Infants (under 18-months)
The AAP recommends no screens. Basically, pretend your child is allergic to screens. Also, try not to use screens around your child (TV, smartphone, etc). Here are my takeaways (coming from a mom who spent countless hours watching TV while feeding my babies because I didn’t have kids who ate quickly and efficiently and I was doing the all I could not to lose my mind):

Do your very best not to make screens a part of your infant’s routine.

Be aware of how much time and attention you are giving to screens while you are actively with your child. So, maybe turn the TV off during meals, leave your phone on the counter when you’re playing, and press pause on introducing movies and television shows—even educational ones—for now.

Take time to read to your child, talk to your child, and if you have older kids let them step in and entertain your youngest because there’s no educational programming that can beat the show you or your other kids will put on for your baby!

Toddlers (18 to 24-months)
The AAP says that a tiny bit of screen time is okay but only supervised, high-quality educational activities or use of screens to connect/socialize (think Skype or FaceTime chats with grandma). Here are some other things to keep in mind:

Make sure that the App or game you choose is truly educational and set a timer for 10-15 minutes because it’s all too easy to bask in the quiet of a child entertained by a screen.

Make an effort to be with your toddler while they’re using screens and make it a priority to keep screen time separate from the bedtime routine.

Read regular old print books to your toddler. While the interactive components of eBooks are exciting and stimulating, research suggests that they can be distracting and get in the way of what your child comprehends.

Preschool Years (ages 2-5)
The new AAP guidelines suggest no more than one hour per day of educational screen time adding that parents should view with their children (just when you thought you had a guilt-free hour of peace!).

Make an effort to be near your child while they watch a show, but don’t feel pressured to be glued to their side. Check in from the other room to ask what they’re doing/seeing and follow-up to answer any questions. You’ll probably get an earful about whatever the Paw Patrol pups were doing or the lessons taught by Elmo and friends on Sesame Street, but you’ll be engaging in conversation with your child about their learning, which is critical.

Be sure to monitor what you’re watching or doing on screens in front of your child because they are old enough to see and hear everything without skipping a beat. Definitely turn the news off and avoid having the television on in the background.

Begin to talk to your child about the impact of television ads and that they cannot always believe what they hear.

Kids (6 years and older)
The AAP suggests that parents make sure kids do their schoolwork, socialize, get a least one hour of physical activity per day, and get ample rest (8-12 hours per night depending on age). What’s leftover can be used as screen time with careful selection of shows, games, Apps, etc. Unfrotunately, that’s a little less clear and with such a big age range lumped into a small category it’s hard to find the bottom line on how much time is too much time! Here’s what to focus on:

Remember that access to screens is a privilege. Talk to your child about what they need to be responsible for in order to earn that privilege and set limits. My stance is two or more hours of screen time per day usually comes at the expense of other important activities.

As a parent, you have to make a judgment call on what “counts” as socialization. Do you feel that texting, snapchat, and gaming will meet your child’s needs? If not, encourage face-to-face interaction with peers.

Make sure that sleep is held sacred. To do this, have kids turn off or hand over screens an hour before bed and don’t allow smartphones and tablets to reside on night tables (a habit that’s hard to break and can have long-term negative consequences since the light emitted makes it hard to fall asleep).

Finally, have ongoing, candid conversations about the aim of media advertisers so your child is not brainwashed by targeted messages. Teaching your child to be a thoughtful consumer of information provides an invaluable life skill as well as a tool to handle the influence of advertisers in the present day.

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Quiz time: Is Stress Sabotaging Your Parenting?

10/17/2016

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Parenting may be the most important job you have, but let’s be honest—it’s not always easy. No vacation days, no option to call out sick, and no fail-proof protocol to follow when things are getting out of control. Sure, kids are awesome and most of the time the good stuff outweighs the messy, stressful stuff, but even the steadiest parents out there may start to loose their balance from time to time. How do you know where you stand when it comes to managing your stress level and making sure it doesn’t sabotage your parenting? Take this quick quiz (count your YES’s based on how you’ve felt for the past two weeks) and find out:

Are you letting things slide because you don’t have the energy to deal with the backlash you know your child will give you?

Do you start counting the hours (or minutes) until bedtime before breakfast is even served?

Have you recently threatened to donate every one of your child’s prized possessions or cancel a birthday, holiday, or other major life event?

When you hear your child call your name is your instinct to freeze in place and hope no one finds you (especially if screaming and crying are involved)?

Do your child’s habits that used to be endearing (think adorable smiles and quirky habits) sometimes not make a dent in your mood?

RED ZONE: 4-5 YES’s
Right now is a great time to stop worrying about your child(ren) and focus on self-care—unapologetically! Just like on the airplane, you have to put your oxygen mask on before you can help your kids. In order for you to bring your A-game as a parent, you have to take care of yourself as a person first. Want an action-plan to get things back on track? First, for the next week, accept that things will not change in terms of your parenting approach. This is totally fine because trying to reinvent that wheel when you’re down for the count won’t be productive and kids are resilient. Next, in order to regain your parental footing commit to taking time each day for yourself. If and when guilt, shame, or self-doubt shows up, notice them but don’t buy into their message. Know that just thinking or feeling something does not necessarily make it true (if that were the case, you would have definitely won the lottery by now!). Last, to really seal the deal, remind yourself every morning that prioritizing your needs is the absolute best way to put your best foot forward as a parent.

YELLOW ZONE: 2-3 YES’s
Some days are better than others, but stress is creeping in, getting the best of you, and turning parenting into a chore at times. Slowing things down and checking in with your self-care efforts now is the best way to regain your balance before things get too far off course. Commit to making sure you get enough rest and know that whatever you do at the end of the night after you’re past your limit is draining your resources rather than getting you ahead. Then see if there’s anything you’ve been putting off that can be moved to the top of your “to-do” list. Are you making it a priority to do things you enjoy even if they have nothing to do with parenthood? Is there a workout or yoga class you want to try but can’t find the time to schedule? Are you taking care of your physical and mental health? Are you taking steps you make sure you’re happy with your appearance? Even carving out ten minutes a day to do something that’s just for you—guilt-free, knowing that it will help you be the best part possible—is a great start. Finding an hour or two a week to devote to your needs is even better.

GREEN ZONE: 0-1 YES's
While there may be a bump in the road here and there, things are generally going well. To maintain this balance amidst the daily grind, take note of what you’re doing to recharge your batteries because it’s working! Continue these efforts, knowing that self-care trickles down to your child in a powerful way. When you make it a priority to meet your own needs you bring the best version of yourself to your parenting. As a bonus, you model this mindset for your child, which instills the importance of self-care and sets them up for long-term success when it comes to stress management. Moving forward, if you’re facing a busy week (especially as the holidays approach) resist the temptation to cancel your doctors visit, hair appointment, or even a phone call with a friend. Swapping out your “activities” for things that seem more important at the time can backfire and leave you depleted and overwhelmed. Holding your “me-time” sacred will help you keep the balance you’ve worked so hard to establish.

P.S.- If you took the quiz and couldn’t think of a single time in your parenting career when you would have said yes to any one of the questions, you’re in the RAINBOW ZONE and you’re probably a unicorn (please message me if you make house calls).

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Is It Ever OK to scare your child?

Kids & Screen Time: The rules just changed!

Quiz time: Is Stress Sabotaging Your Parenting?

Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.

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