“Screen-Free Week” is upon us. From Monday, May 1st through Sunday, May 7th, the Campaign for a Commercial Free Childhood is encouraging families worldwide to unplug from screens in order to connect with each other. Personally, I think it’s a fantastic idea to reduce the time kids and teens spend in front of screens. I’m not debating that. I have to be honest though, most parents find the idea of unplugging for a full week overwhelming or even terrifying! And that’s okay. Why? Because our culture involves a lot of screen time and kids are not left out of this trend. Screens are used for entertainment, education, social interaction, creative endeavors, and childcare—as in, please watch this episode or play this game for 15-minutes so I can go to the bathroom, possibly shower, and potentially have a few seconds of quiet. When screens are such an integral part of your child’s daily life, how could you not be a little panicked at the idea of tossing them altogether, right? Right! So, here are five ways to ease your child into Screen-Free Week while maintaining your sanity: Remember that screen time for work or school is okay. Let’s get real. If your child has academic assignments that require a screen or if you are required to access screens for your livelihood, it’s not practical to unplug and let those responsibilities fall to the wayside. Thankfully, this gray area is acknowledged even during Screen-Free Week so you don’t have to stress about it. Just be mindful of how easy it is for you and your child to find your way to social media or start window-shopping online while taking a break from your “work.” You can try to offer fun screen-free alternatives, but at some point you’ll probably just have to say no to your child. Campaign for a Commercial Free America provides tons of suggestions on how you can occupy your child or teen without screens. Some of them sound super fun. I would love to go to the zoo or bake cookies, and if and when that’s possible, those are great ideas. You can try to make Screen-Free Week fun, but at some point you will have to set a limit and say no. Accepting this is an important part of building the courage to reduce screen time in your home. For more tips on setting limits without drama check out Chapter 4 of “Parenting in the Real World." Maybe cold turkey isn’t for you and your family. If this is the case, don’t abandon Screen-Free Week altogether. Try to shave off a third of the time your child or teen spends in front of their screens or devices. If your child is on Snapchat, challenge him or her to break a streak (an emoji driven designation given when two people have snapped each other for more than two days in a row). If your child is using a screen during bedtime or before school, use this week to set a limit around access to screens at those times. These small steps are important and may wind up having a lasting impact so don’t downplay their power just because you’re not buying into Screen-Free Week hook-line-and-sinker. Lead by example. Even if you don’t have the energy to implement an entirely Screen-Free Week for your child and family, start with yourself. See if you are up for the challenge of detoxing from social media and screen-based entertainment for seven days. If you are, talk about your experience with your child and family. You may be surprised at the outcome and the extra time you find on your hands. In the long run, this week-long exercise may provide the inspiration you need to gear up for a reduction in everyone’s screen-time in your household even after Screen-Free Week has officially passed.
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One of my biggest pet peeves is asking my kids a question and hearing something along the lines of, “It wasn’t my fault!” As a parent, you may hear this statement blurted or exclaimed when you’re just asking an innocent question to gather information and figure out what’s going on. Or, the skirting of responsibility can come out during a more intense conversation where friends, teachers, and even you start to magically take blame for your child’s action or inaction (AKA: “My teacher never told me so it’s his fault!” or “Look what you made me do, now I’m crying!”). If seeing or hearing your child blame others and sidestep any accountability for a situation is a huge trigger for you, you’re not alone! And, it’s natural to be concerned. For starters, until your child acknowledges some degree of personal involvement in a situation, there’s no reason for him or her to participate in finding a solution. In order to help your child turn mistakes into invaluable life lessons, they have to see the situation more clearly and accurately. Thinking bigger-picture though, watching your child point fingers and look everywhere but in the mirror does not bode well for being able to succeed in the real world where it’s necessary to take ownership of missteps on a daily basis. If you’re ready to stop the blame game, here are five strategies that will help your child learn to take accountability: Praise Effort, Not Outcome. When your child feels pressure (often self-imposed) to get an A, score a goal, or be the best, there’s a tendency to look for outside reasons to account for disappointments, which often involve blaming someone or something. Focusing on your child’s effort, hard work, perseverance, and dedication sends the message that you value those traits and that you don’t necessarily need a reason (especially a blaming one) when things fall short. Under-react when your child owns his or her mistakes. Let’s be honest—it’s hard to hold back your reaction if and when your child shares an error in judgment or admits to being unwise. In order to encourage accountability, hold back when you want to jump in and offer and opinion or solution. Instead, listen with just a few head nods. This will prevent you from coming across as being judgmental and set the stage for your child to share in the future without fear of your response. For more tips on the Art of Listening, check out Chapter 1 of "Parenting in the Real World" HERE. Validate your child’s ability to take ownership—even if you don’t agree with their choices. When you do hear your child take ownership, even a small amount, try responding in a way that lets your son or daughter know you value their insight and appreciate them taking accountability. It can be a heartfelt smile or direct feedback along the lines of, “I know it’s hard to talk about things that didn’t go the way you wanted, I’m proud of you for sharing.” You can do this even if you don’t agree with what your child did (think, I’m happy you’re owning up to the fact that you copied your friend’s homework because you didn’t spend time on it the night before even though I totally disagree with that behavior). Own your mistakes. The most powerful and effective way to teach your child to take responsibility is to model that same behavior yourself. You’re always in the spotlight as a parent and each time you’re able to take ownership of a mistake or acknowledge that you could have handled a situation in a better way, you show your child the value of taking accountability. Avoid playing the blame game yourself. Take things a step further by trying to avoid pointing fingers and blaming others so your child does not copy those behaviors. This means biting your tongue instead of letting an, “It’s your fault we’re late!” slip out during the morning rush and quickly giving yourself a do-over if you do wind up making a blaming statement.
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TUESDAYS @ 7:00pm (ET) CLICK the link. LIKE the page. Get parenting tips that work in the real world! When one of my kids utters the two words, "I'm bored," some part of me immediately generates a mental list of 23 things they could be doing while simultaneously wishing that I too had an opportunity to be bored. If you have a similar knee-jerk reaction to hearing your child complain they have nothing to do, you know that falling into the trap of trying to redirect or motivate a "bored" child or teen almost always backfires. Best case scenario, you offer a solution that's accepted and everyone moves happily along (full disclosure, this is far from the norm in my house). Typically, you try to help by suggesting anti-boredom activities and then you or your child (or both of you) grow increasingly frustrated until someone walks away in a huff. Worst case scenario, a full-blown conflict breaks out and then your child is too busy arguing with you to be bored anymore—not the kind of "win" you were hoping for! The truth is that boredom is a great thing for kids to experience, and the way you respond to your child’s proclamations of boredom can help sidestep unnecessary drama. Here are 5 things to keep in mind next time your child complains they have absolutely nothing to do: 1. Accept that your child will be bored. Surrendering to the fact that your child, whether a toddler or a teen, will be bored helps you parent more rationally in these moments. When you set the precedent that it's okay for your child to be bored, hearing your son or daughter express that sentiment won't feel like a problem that you need to solve. He or she may be upset or distressed about the lack of entertainment, but you won’t jump on that emotional roller-coaster. 2. Know that it's important to let your child to be bored. Being bored is not an unhealthy experience. In fact, it's a fantastic opportunity for your child to hear his or her own thoughts without distraction. Plus, boredom leads to creativity and reflection. The digital world constantly bombards your child with information and stimulation, and opportunities to sit in uninterrupted thought should be embraced (even if it's uncomfortable for your child at first). Let’s face it—being bored is a part of life that everyone has to cope with and allowing your child to experience boredom is great practice for the real world. 3. Fight the urge to rescue your child from boredom. Don't fall into the trap of offering information that wasn't requested because it's the best way to find yourself in a conflict that you had no intention of being in. If you want to try and coach your child through the experience of boredom, ask, "Do you want to hear my suggestions?" or, "Do you want to know what I do when I'm bored?" If the response is no, you move on. If the response is yes, check out tip #4 below. 4. Give smart suggestions. What are smart suggestions to help your bored child? Well, the pragmatic part of me wants to say you can list off six chores and five productive activities that are all well within reach. But, because there has to be a but, that's the same as rescuing your child from boredom. Instead, you can encourage your child to daydream, use their imagination, or just sit until they come up with something they want to be doing. You’ll be normalizing your child’s experience of being bored and by avoiding the practical suggestions your child expects to hear (think, “Clean your room,” or, “Read a book”), your response will really hit home. 5. Be honest. We've established that being bored is a not such a bad thing, so next time your child talks about being bored you can honestly say that you think it's fine. Better yet, you can share that you think it's great to be bored. You'll probably get some serious eye-rolls and maybe even some earnest persuasions as to why being bored is not so great from your child’s perspective, but in the end your commentary will shape your child's expectations. In the end, if you can help your son or daughter move towards accepting the experience of boredom instead of dreading it, your work is done (at least for the moment).
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Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.
Sharing practical strategies that help parents rediscover joy in their children (even when someone's crying, the phone is ringing, and it smells like the house may be burning down) Archives
October 2017
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