As a parent, when you’re having a good day, your kids feel it. You’re probably more patient, understanding, and maybe even a little bit more fun. On the other hand, when you’re having a not-so-great day, your kids pick up on that too. They may feel rushed and perceive you as being short-tempered, overly anxious, or overwhelmed and unable to tolerate the multitude of issues thrown at you.
Here’s the simple fact: Your well-being impacts your child. I understand that this reality can feel like a punch in the gut, especially if you know that you’re exhausted or depleted and don’t see a way to change your situation. This reality check is not meant to add guilt to the list of things you need to deal with. Guilt is overrated. It wastes your time and definitely doesn’t help you move toward a feel-good state of mind (at least in my experience). I want to bring this concept of trickle-down emotional economics to your attention so that you can feel empowered, take steps (even very small ones) towards figuring out what makes you feel good, and try to build those things into your everyday life. How can you make this happen? To pinpoint what you need more or less of in order to move toward feeling even, balanced, and generally okay, ask yourself these three questions: What would I like more of? I know that an extra hour in the day or an extra day in the week would be fantastic, but there are also practical, doable things that will improve your quality of life. What would you do with that extra hour or day? What would you do if you had even ten uninterrupted minutes to yourself? Is there an activity, relationship, or experience that you know would make you feel good? What do I want less of? This concept of pruning and preening is often overlooked when parents think of self-care. Why? Because it’s easy to crave a massage or a relaxing bath, but much harder to toss old stuff, say no and risk disappointing people, or set limits on your time and energy even when it might upset others. Fight the urge to skip this step and be brutally honest with yourself. Is there “stuff” that overwhelms you, like a junk drawer, toy room, or cabinet? Do you spend time and energy on commitments, activities, or relationships that you know are draining you and that you have some control over? If so, it may be time to thoughtfully and systematically purge. What will it take to make these things happen? This is the step where things usually fall apart. Making a mental list of things to do away with and things that would make life feel a little better is the easy part. Let’s be honest, taking action to actually get more of what you want and setting limits to give up what you need less of is hard. Why is it so difficult to take care of yourself and meet your needs as a parent and as a human being? Because you also have to take care of your kids, who are probably very good at making their needs and wants known and who tend to persist, often relentlessly, if some perceived need is overlooked.When was the last time you had a fit because your favorite shirt wasn’t clean or because all of your favorite snacks were gone? It’s very hard to put your kids’ needs on the shelf to deal with at a later time, and it’s all too easy to place your needs on that very same shelf where they collect dust and become unrecognizable. Now that you’ve taken a look up on that shelf and found what you want or need, commit to choosing just one thing and making it happen over the next week or two. How? Remind yourself that it’s just as important as all the things you do to take care of your kids every day. When you make it a priority to meet your own needs and start to fell better about yourself, that positive trend trickles down to your kids and has a powerful impact on your entire family. You’ll be better able to manage whatever comes your way, and your kids will appreciate your upgraded attitude more than you know. For more practical self-care inspiration, check out Chapter 7 of "Parenting in the Real World" here:
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The topic of kids and phones is one that most families can’t avoid. Some children may view getting their first phone as a rite of passage that accompanies a certain birthday or entering a specific grade (middle school being the most popular time for the begging and bargaining to begin). Other kids receive a smartphone at an earlier age, and it seems that very few make it to high school without their own phone number. Regardless of your decision as to when your child can have a phone, the act of receiving one does not mean that your child will magically develop the basic skills necessary to communicate appropriately. What do I mean by basic communication skills? I mean the art of having a reciprocal conversation and using words (not text) to ask questions and obtain information. I will date myself now and share that I grew up with a corded phone practically attached to the side of my head. Everyone I knew had a home phone, and it was typically answered when it rang. Before caller ID, you had to deal with the person on the other end of the line by listening, thinking, and responding. It didn’t seem hard, and kids learned from an early age to communicate on the phone by watching parents and other adults have verbal conversations that did not involve FaceTime or texting. I'm officially going on record as saying this is a lost art. And maybe we’re moving toward a society where we don’t have to actually talk to each other all that often, but I think it’s important for kids to be able to interact and function using their voices. If you can relate, don’t fall into the trap of assuming that your kids will naturally learn these communication skills. As a parent, you have to go out of your way to make sure your child has opportunities to practice because technology makes it all too easy to side-step direct interaction and avoid voice-to-voice conversations. So, when you grant your child the privilege of a smartphone, it’s important to make sure he or she knows how to do these three things: Call to ask for information. You can practice by taking the “long way around” once in a while and phoning a store or place of business to ask about their hours of operation. Better yet, choose something that’s important to your child, like a new piece of clothing, toy or sports equipment, and have them call the store to see if it’s available. I can practically hear the naysayers shouting, “It’s all online now, you don’t ever need to do this stuff!” I get it, but when my daughter wanted a specific dress and needed it for the next day, she was paralyzed when the store’s online system wasn’t able to tell her which shop actually had the item. When I suggested she call the local stores to ask, I was in awe of the fact that she needed step-by-step guidance to do so. The punch line is, your child needs to be able to have a conversation with someone to ask for information because one day it may be the only option and it’s a skill worth developing. Have a reciprocal conversation with someone who is out of sight. When kids are used to texting, the pace of conversation is unnatural. You can respond when you want to and there’s no expectation of an immediate reply. When talking to someone, especially over the phone when facial expressions are out of the picture, it’s important for your child to remain engaged and keep pace with the discussion. This takes practice, so encourage your kids to make phone calls to family members and even friends without activating a video option. I know this is not the norm, but it’s important for your child’s developing brain to create a script or road-map for having conversations that flow. Respond to an unexpected caller. I know that most of us as adults don’t answer the phone anymore unless we know who is calling. The last thing I want to do is spend time talking to a telemarketer! But, there will come a day when your child answers the phone and encounters an unexpected caller. Make sure your son or daughter knows how to respond if someone dials his or her number by accident or if there is a telemarketer trying to sell something or offer a deal. Case in point, our home phone recently rang, one of my kids mistook the number and thought it was a family member calling and then struggled to navigate the conversation because it was not the person they expected. What you would say if someone called and asked for “Jim” (who does not live with you). You would say, “Sorry, wrong number,” probably without hesitation. Most kids would not have a clue. So, even if there are very few opportunities for your child to practice this skill, give them the words to use if and when they need to communicate with an unexpected caller.
Memorial Day is just around the corner which means summer is almost upon us. For parents, this always seems to be an interesting time of year. On one hand, it feels like school should be over, but at the same time it feels like routines are falling apart just when you’ve finally gotten into a groove. Either way, the calendar is filling up with special events to celebrate another academic year coming to a close and you have to keep up! Here are three ways to make sure you and your child survive—and thrive, during the home stretch of the school year: Hold sleep sacred. Days are getting longer and it’s only natural for kids and teens to want to stay up later. While there are times when special events will bump into bedtime routines, do your best to make sleep a priority. This is especially important to remember if you have older children who are preparing for exams. It may be tempting to justify a few late nights of studying, but sacrificing rest for test preparation has a negative impact on your child’s sleep cycle that does more harm than good. Planning ahead is the best way to prepare, and when the time comes know that it’s okay to make the call for lights out. Spend “found” time thoughtfully. For younger children, this may be a time of year marked by progressively less homework and more free time after-school. Be mindful about how that time is spent and try to prevent overuse of screens by lovingly kicking your child outdoors as often as possible or encouraging unplugged playtime. These last few weeks will set the stage for the long summer ahead and it’s a great opportunity for kids to practice filling free time with creativity and movement. Know that the pull to pick up a tablet or plug into video games will be hard to resist, but that the limits you set now will pave the way for a great summer. Enjoy the moments you can. When the routines you’ve come to rely on over the past nine months start come to change, it’s hard to keep up. Recitals, concerts, and graduation ceremonies all require time, organization, and preparation. There always seems to be a last minute change in plans or a specific shirt that needs to be procured at the last minute. During the process, remember to take a breath, pace yourself, and enjoy these milestone moments. In ten years, it won’t matter how hard it was to rearrange work schedules and deal with crowded auditoriums, it will be the look on your child’s face that will stay with you. Make sure you’re not so distracted by the hectic pace that you miss it. JOIN Dr. Stephanie on Facebook LIVE for weekly Parenting Q&A sessions.
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Stephanie O'Leary, Psy.D.
Sharing practical strategies that help parents rediscover joy in their children (even when someone's crying, the phone is ringing, and it smells like the house may be burning down) Archives
October 2017
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