Parenting Tweens: AKA, How to Cherish the Mystical Creature that Sometimes Body-Snatches Your Child.

Based on my personal experience, I could have titled this blog, “Who are these tweens in my house and what have they done with my adorable kids?!” But, alas, it can’t be all about me. And, my kiddos (a newly nine year old and a 12-going-on-19-year old) sometimes do show up as the most adorable versions of themselves. However, the tween phase, which spans from 8-14 years, definitely dishes out some intensity that leaves me longing for the days when I could scoop up my kids and buckle them into the car seat for a much needed “reset.” To debunk some of what’s going on with your tween and give you a roadmap to at least know what you’re up against, let’s break things down and look at tweens from the inside out.

What’s Up with Your Tween’s Brain?
During the tween years, one major brain change occurs that may leave you wondering if your child has lost his or her mind. Your tween is facing the task of abandoning simple, straightforward, “concrete thinking” and practicing more “abstract” reasoning. What does this mean? It means that your child is dipping a toe, or a foot, or cannon-balling into a whole new world of thoughts and possibilities. Many of these new insights will be fantastic and exciting. Some will be terrifying and overwhelming. And, as if that’s not enough, your tween will not transition smoothly from one mindset to the other. Instead, you’ll watch as your child teeters back and forth between maturity and fart jokes or infantile silliness…often scratching your head wondering which version of your child will come to the dinner table. 

How to Parent Through This:

• Keep in mind that your child is on a mental seesaw. This perspective will help you gather the patience you need to keep your cool.
• You want to be your child’s go-to person down the road when the stakes are higher so listen to your child’s concerns, even if they seem far-fetched or overly-dramatic.
• Be a solid sounding board. As your child tries to navigate new insights and experiences, listen to his or her point of view before offering your own. This allows you to establish yourself as a source of good advice (as opposed to judgment or criticism).

What’s Up with Your Tween’s Feelings?
Getting back on the roller coaster, let’s talk about emotions. We can’t have a discussion about the transition from childhood to adolescence without mentioning hormones. These powerful substances pump through your tween’s body and trigger a host of shifts and changes that impact far more than height, hair growth, and body odor. Mood swings are bound to happen. You know, those bouts of crying, irritability, irrational anger, or sulking that leave you asking, “What did I miss?!” You’ll likely see your child begin to depart from his or her typical emotional highs and lows to new and uncharted territories all thanks to the biology of growing up.

How to Parent Through This:

• Buckle up and accept that it may be a bumpy ride. Having realistic expectations will help minimize frustration.
• Meet your child where he or she is. There’s often a strong urge to try and move kids away from negative emotions (especially ones you can’t make sense of) toward being calm, but this can backfire. Allow your child to have his or her feelings first, then redirect toward the reality of the situation.
• Check in with your own feelings, especially if you find yourself more bothered by your child’s behavior or emotions than you think you should be. Talk to other parents who are facing similar situations and you’ll probably find out you’re not alone in struggling to manage this transition!

What’s Up with Your Tween’s Social Scene?
The word tween says it all—these kids are in between. Not little enough to always pull off the playful, carefree childlike wonders of dolls and blocks and kitchen sets; not fully equipped to dive into the world of boys who like girls who like boys and “hanging out” instead of having “play dates.” And, your child’s friends are all going through this too, but at their own pace. You may see some peers who appear to be much older or more mature than your child and others who don’t seem to be interested in acknowledging the major changes that are about to happen. Your tween is trying to navigate this on a daily basis and the urge to hold onto the wonders of childhood will battle with the primal instinct to keep up with the pack because, after all, being left behind doesn’t feel good, right?

How to Parent Through This:

• Be ready for changes. Your child may start to grow apart from a childhood “bestie” and begin to long for or explore new relationships.
• Give your child permission to take it slow. If your child protests as you try to donate toys you don’t see used, give it time. You’d be surprised how many middle-schoolers find their way back to “childhood” toys and games when they’re alone.
• Set limits. As your child inches towards adolescence, remember that you are the parent. You get to say no, even if it upsets the apple cart sometimes.

What’s Up with Your Tween’s Body?
Back to biology, things are changing. Hair is showing up in new places, which may delight or terrify your tween. Pimples and blackheads, foreign concepts that are suddenly life altering, may enter the scene. Things smell different, act different, and look different. Your tween is aware of these changes whether or not he or she is talking about them. More than that, your tween is probably well aware of the changes taking place around them, especially as gym class begins to include locker room changes and social media opens the door to a whole new world of social comparison (most of which is filtered and staged).

How to Parent Through This:

• Be on the lookout for opportunities to talk and share accurate information. Your child may appear to be joking or asking questions in jest, but jump on the chance to normalize his or her questions and concerns.
  
• Buy a book. Read the book. Hand it over (knowing it my be received with an eye-roll or lobster-red blushing face), and don’t expect to have a heart-to-heart. Leave the resource with your child and trust he or she will check it out. Here's my favorite for GIRLS and BOYS.
  
• If and when your child makes comments about his or her body and development as compared to peers, listen. Be patient. Validate your child’s opinion and ask permission to share your insights. Your child desperately wants to hear your words of support and reassurance, but you have to make sure tween fingers aren’t interested into tween ears so you can get your message across.

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