Calm Down!

Scenario one: It’s about 45-minutes after I had planned to have dinner on the table. Homework is supposedly being done, but I’m not really on top of that because there are three other things I’m trying to juggle while coordinating the re-heating of things I’m hoping my kids will actually ingest.
 
Suddenly, I hear laughter from the other room—but not the kind that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. The kind that alerts me to the fact that within seconds, things will devolve, tears will be flowing, and I will be refereeing while trying to make sure my attempt at dinner doesn’t burn the house down.
 
Scenario two: I’m exhausted. I’m actually in bed (win!), and I think everyone else is too. I’m wrong, and I hear footsteps—emotionally charged footsteps approaching my bedroom door. A child appears. A crying, distressed child who is over-tired and spilling all sorts of worries about things I can hardly make sense of.
 
My instinct in both cases is to do whatever I can to get my child to calm down.  Whether I want to scream it loud enough to stop my kids in their tracks or insist it repeatedly while wiping away tears, I just want everything to calm down.
 
If you’ve ever found yourself wandering through similar parenting territory, whether it’s your child’s excitement inching toward hysteria, frustration building toward a melt-down, or despair quickly devolving into desperation, here are the two things you need to know to move things in a calmer direction.
 
Don’t Say “Calm Down” (unless you're saying it to yourself)

• This may be counter-intuitive, but it’s almost impossible to pull off a sincere, “Calm down,” when tensions are running high. Chances are your child will interpret this as condescending, bossy, or dismissive even if you don’t mean it that way. Honestly, I’m not sure “Calm down” is something I would want to hear from my husband or my friend.

• If your child is emotional, which is why we’re having this conversation in the first place, your message will be lost and you’ll probably become the target of some serious backlash.

• Instead of saying this out loud to your child, just repeat it to yourself. You’ll probably listen and as you find calm your child has a better chance of following in that direction.

 
Surrender to the Chaos

• The urge to get things under control is strong, but sometimes it’s more productive to embrace the chaos. Surrender to the fact that things are messy. This works even in the most dire cases, when someone is hurt or things have gone way too far, because you can’t press a button and change the situation. The more readily you can accept that, the easier it will be for you to step into your power and start dialing back the drama.

• When I’m in these situations and trying to embrace the messiness of the present moment, I imagine that whatever is happening is a tsunami wave. Whether it’s my kids fighting, my child’s pain and tears, or a ton of other things that aren’t going the way I want them to, they all become part of an imaginary wave that’s washing over me.

• I accept that I don’t have the power to stop or move that wave of chaos. Trying to will just exhaust me, deplete me, and I will get pulled under in the wake. So, I surrender. I imagine myself floating on my back, plugging my eyes into the blue of the sky, and keeping my face just far enough above the water to breathe.

 

• This works. I’m not tapping out or ignoring what my kids need, I’m right there with them, and as soon as they begin to settle down I can step in and actually parent the way I want to. In the meantime, I get to look up at the beautiful imaginary blue sky, breathe and save up my energy for the hard work of parenting. It may not be a real vacation, but it’s much better than screaming my head off. I’m pretty sure my kids think so too.
  

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