Want to Say the Right Thing to Your Child?

For all the things you say to your child day in and day out, what’s really most important? As far as statements that mean the most in the long run in terms of strengthening your relationship with your child and helping them build confidence and resilience, the answer may be simpler than you think. In reality, the words your child needs to hear from you are probably statements you’re making every day. Here’s a list of the top three things that every child needs to hear as well as some quick tips to help you make it happen.
 

1. I LOVE YOU

This may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s important. Even if saying I love you seems to have become a bit rote—more like a habit than a flowery statement of affection—it’s still a great habit to be in. When your child hears you say I love you, he or she will begin to accept this as a fact. It will not be a question or a possibility, but a core belief that builds self-esteem and confidence. Quick tips to put this in action:
 

• Put a period on this sentence (adding a “but” to the end will undo any sentiment you’re trying to convey).

 

• Don’t expect or ask for a response or reply.

 

• Write it down and let your child find a surprise note or doodle that will make their day.

 
     2.  THANK YOU
Showing gratitude is a great way to help your child feel good about their contributions and accomplishments. It also increases the likelihood that your child will follow through again in the future. So, when those shoes finally get picked up and moved to their appropriate resting place or the homework gets done, offer a simple and genuine thank you so your child knows you recognize their effort. Keep these things in mind to make this work for you and your kids:
 

• Resist the urge to toss out a sarcastic thank you (AKA, “Thank you for cleaning up your dishes” said with frustration as you actively clean up your child’s dishes).

 

• When you can, make eye contact with your child when you offer gratitude.

 

• Change it up. While a regular old thank you is just fine, get your child’s attention with an occasional, “I appreciate your help,” or “It’s awesome that you just did that.”

 
    3.  NO
Your child may pitch a fit when you say no, but it is a word they need to hear in order to feel safe, loved, and important. When parents are overly permissive, kids don’t feel cared for or valued. I hear this first-hand from teens who complain about curfews while admitting that they understand when they have one and feel bad for peers whose parents don’t seem to care enough to set them. So, when your child is giving you a run for your money just because you won’t; buy, get, or allow something, remember that you are actually giving your child exactly what he or she needs.  Here are a few tips so you can say no like a champ:
 

• When you say no, mean it. If you’re not sure of your stance, have a conversation with your child or partner before making a decision.

 

• Soften the blow by telling your child you know it may be hard for them to hear your feedback (“I know this is going to really upset you, but my answer is no”).

 

• End the conversation. If your child is struggling to accept your response, it is okay to respectfully end the conversation. Walking away is much better than getting involved in a conflict.

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