How to Handle Your Child's Memory Lapses

Full disclosure, this week’s blog post was inspired by personal events. Here’s the set-up. I was heading out to the grocery store and asked my nine-year-old son if he wanted to come. His response was, “Sure, I want to get something anyway.” I said, “Great, what do you want?” He said, “Some chocolate milk, if that’s okay.” I agreed and we headed out.  At the store he asked permission then scooted off to grab his drink. As we finished up, I asked him twice if he needed or wanted anything else, and also asked if he was sure he had what he wanted for dinner (which had been deemed a “fix up” meal meaning leftovers or whatever else can be scrounged). Both times he said he was good, he didn’t need anything else. Great. Fine. All was well. He even helped unload the car and unpack the bags when we got home. Fantastic!
 
Flash-forward 30-mnutes. We were prepping dinner. He realized he didn’t have the particular kind of pasta that he wanted (Side note: apparently the five varieties in the pantry were not up to par, but I digress). My perfectly pleasant and chipper shopping partner suddenly lost his memory and rewrote history saying, “Mom, you didn’t remind me to get what I needed at the store! I said I NEEDED something and you didn’t remind me and now I have NO dinner! Why didn’t you REMIND me!”
 
Okay. That’s not how I remember it. Here’s what the thought bubble above my head read: Umm…are you kidding me! YOU said you wanted chocolate milk. And then I asked you TWICE if you needed or wanted anything else and you said NO! And now you’re crying and yelling at ME?! What the…!
 
As I considered letting those words escape, I had a revelation—it was a trap! A trap I have fallen into many times in the past and one that I did not want to spend my weekend clawing my way out of. My son’s memory had been hijacked and nothing I said or did in that moment would have made a difference.
 
Let’s get technical here. The areas of my son’s brain that are devoted to logic and reason were abruptly overcome by his emotional control center. He was coming at me with 100% emotion and I was thinking like a rational human being (at least in that moment). If the two of us kept going, I’m certain that his emotionally induced memory loss would have triggered my very own emotional storm surge…and that does not make for a fun Saturday night.  
 
Like I said, I’ve been in plenty of these storms and, fortunately, I was able to see this one coming. How did I handle the pre-dinner drama at our house? I kept my mouth shut (choking on the urge to provide a reality check). Then, when there was a two second lull in the rant I said, “It’s really tough to not have the pasta you want.” My son said, “Yes!” Then I turned around and continued what I had been doing. He complained and slammed around in the pantry for a few minutes while I resisted the urge to tell him to be careful and not take his feelings out on the canned goods. Then he emerged and asked me to help him get a pot. I did. He was huffy for about ten more minutes and then it was done.

Why did it end? Because his brain balanced out, emotions and logic reached equilibrium. We never had a conversation and I never got to refresh his memory, but that was fine because it was never about me or what I said or didn’t say. It was about his feelings and frustration. I certainly didn’t want him to remember having a huge argument with me on top of all that.
 
You’ve probably been in similar situations with your kids…toddlers who shout, “You said so!” when you know those words never crossed your lips. Children who insist you never gave a 5-minute warning or reminder (even though you actually gave three). Teens who swear you granted permission for things you’ve never even heard about before. These memory lapses and revisions of history happen all the time. So, what do you do when your child’s memory is hijacked? Here are five tips to handle these memory lapses and, better yet, help prevent them:

• Don’t Take it Personally: When your child is experiencing strong emotions and spewing all sorts of things that are simply not true, it's hard avoid feeling defensive. This is even more inevitable if your child “forgets” things that you said or did that took a lot of effort on your part (think, “Why didn’t you wake me up in time!” when you’ve been up every ten minutes since six o’clock). That said, navigating these storms is a heck of a lot easier when you keep in mind that your child is not thinking logically and that his or her statements come from disappointment or frustration rather than real negative feelings toward you. Bottom line, it’s not about you (even though your child insists it is).
  

 

• Validate & Step Away: This is your basic move when you know your child is not being logical and you see that emotions have taken over (as evidenced by the memory loss and accusations flying in your face). Validate by saying you know it’s hard, frustrating, upsetting, disappointing—whatever it seems like it is. Then, step away. This is not abandonment or neglect. This is you avoiding a huge blowout and giving your child time to have his or her feelings without joining in and getting upset yourself. You can offer to help or talk when things calm down or answer specific questions that are posed respectfully, but trying to engage in a serious conversation when emotions are in high gear will not help anyone. Bottom line: Reflect back what your child is feeling then put yourself in a little time out.

 

• Forget Logic: If you’re not able to step away quickly enough or your child follows (perhaps relentlessly challenging your interpretation of reality), resist the urge to compile evidence or call in witnesses. You know what you said and didn’t say. You know what your child said or didn’t say. Those are facts you're sure of, but repeating them will only push your child’s emotional buttons and make it even harder for rational thinking to take over the neurological control panel. Plus, as your child responds with emotion it will be harder for you to remain logical. Engaging in a battle of wills with your child in this state of mind will not end well. So, if you do stick around your best bet is to validate and offer assistance. Bottom line: Every time you’re tempted to spout evidence for the defense, validate and say “I know this is hard” instead.
  

 

• Find Four Eyes: This is part of the prevention phase. When you’re giving your child feedback about something that’s important to either one of you, make sure there are four eyes involved—two of yours and two of your child’s. Making eye contact helps your child process your message more deeply. It will also allow you to gauge your child’s level of understanding. For example, if you’re delivering a verdict that you know will disappoint your child and you’re seeing a huge grin, you’ll know follow up is required to really get your point across. Bottom line: Remember that seeing is believing so if you can’t see your child, chances are he or she may not remember what you’ve said.
  

 

• Be Clear: Don’t leave any wiggle room in your response or reminder. If you say, “Do you want to take a shower?” or yell up the stairs, “Five more minutes!” your child can easily dismiss your statements. It’s harder to ignore or forget a clearer message, like, “Please take a shower right now,” or, “We’re leaving in five minutes, please come get your shoes on.” Plus, this helps you stay sane later when you’re being accused of not communicating clearly. You’ll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Bottom line: Say what you mean to say.

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